Your partner says something hurtful. You try to ignore it for a few days, but it keeps bothering you, so you talk to them about it. And to your complete shock, your partner says, "That's not what I meant! Why didn't you ask me what I was trying to say?" Do you recognize this?
Misunderstandings like this happen all the time in marriage because of the illusion of sameness. Spouses often assume that what each other says and does makes them feel the same way. They think they know their partners so well that they don't need any help understanding them.
Differences of opinion are like tiny cracks in a ship. At first, they may not seem like a big deal, but if you don't take care of them, they will sink the ship or your marriage.
Therefore, every couple should try to find a way to talk that helps them avoid and clear up misunderstandings.
Your partner is a good friend.
Listen to your partner and be ready to believe what they say.
Don't forget that your partner is not the person you want to hurt. They wouldn't say or do something to hurt you on purpose, so don't be afraid to ask for more information. Don't say anything bad about them, just ask them what they mean.
You don't have to ask for more information right away, but the sooner you do, the better. If your partner is upset, wait until he or she is calm and at ease before talking about it.
Listen to your partner and be ready to believe what they say. If your partner says that's not what they meant, there's no reason not to believe them unless they've been dishonest in the past.
If you did not understand them, you should say sorry. This is important because your partner might feel bad if you think they would say or do something to hurt you on purpose. Do this even if they don't say they're sorry.
Let it go, already. Don't bring up the misunderstanding again after you've fixed it.
These tips should help you clear up any confusion, but they won't stop it from happening in the first place. To do this, you'll need to stop making assumptions about how your spouse will act. Get in the habit of asking questions and telling them what you hear. This is the best way for married people to talk to each other.
To be able to forgive yourself and others, you must be willing to admit that you can be hurt. It also means you are ready to stop being a victim and take control of your life.
When you spend a lot of time with your partner, it's easy to notice their flaws. Problems that weren't too big of a deal during the honeymoon phase can become big problems that make it hard to have a happy marriage. You stop praising their good qualities and start telling them how bad they are. The key to a healthy relationship is learning to spot this pattern and stop it before it gets out of hand.
"Catch" your partner being good at something.
Try to "catch" your partner doing something right instead of criticizing and finding fault with them. In other words, look for ways to praise and affirm your partner's strengths.
Tell them how proud you are of them and what they can do when you "catch" them doing something right. Give them a good sense of themselves.
Accept your partner's flaws
When you accept your partner's flaws and stop expecting them to be perfect, it's easier to focus on the things they do well. It also gets easier to forgive them and let go of any anger you may have towards them.
One way to stop thinking about your partner's flaws is to remind yourself that you have flaws too. If you find yourself obsessing over your partner's flaws, try to remember that your partner has to deal with your flaws, too. This helps put things in their right place.
Don't let your love weaken.
Couples who forgive each other can get rid of the harmful hurt and shame that keeps them from feeling close to each other.
If you don't really care about your partner, it will be hard for you to accept and deal with his or her flaws. So, you should take care of your love every day. Say "I love you" to your spouse often, even if they already know. Also, show them how much you care by doing things like giving them hugs, kisses, gifts, and acts of kindness.
By using these three marriage tips in your relationship with your partner, you can train yourself to focus on your partner's strengths. This will make it much more likely that you will have a happy marriage.
Couples who forgive each other can get rid of the harmful hurt and shame that keeps them from feeling close to each other. Emotional attunement is a skill that helps couples fully deal with and move on from bad emotional events, which makes their relationship stronger in the long run.
Resentment causes physical and emotional distance.
Since she found out that Tom had been sending text messages and emails to his ex-girlfriend Samantha, Tanya has been angry and upset with Tom. Tom has said he's sorry and taken responsibility for what he did, but Tanya still won't forgive him.
Tanya has shut down sexually and emotionally over the last two months. She has been ignoring Tom and has told him over and over that she doesn't know if he really wants to be married.
"Tom says they're just friends, but I don't believe him," Tanya says. I just can't seem to get over how angry I am with him. During our marriage, we've had to deal with a lot of problems, such as getting used to crazy work schedules and having problems with the in-laws. But this is a big deal."
The problem with being angry at your partner is that it often makes you pull away and stop letting yourself be hurt. This can hurt trust over time. Tanya has been keeping her anger and resentment inside for a long time, and she no longer trusts Tom's intentions.
Dr. John Gottman says that Tanya doesn't want to try to fix things with Tom because she wants to protect herself. This couple is stuck in a pattern of bad behavior, and Tanya doesn't show Tom any kindness, which is an important part of a happy marriage.
Tanya goes on: "I can't believe that Tom has been talking to Stephanie behind my back. It's such a bad thing to do. I learned about it from a text message, and I knew her name right away. Even though I knew they were still friends, it hurts that he hid keeping in touch with her after she moved back home.
Is it possible for Tanya to trust Tom again after she felt like he let her down? Tom will eventually have to be willing to put his relationship with Tanya first and show that he can be trusted by what he says and does. Tanya would be smart to give Tom a chance and not just assume the worst about him. Over time, she might be able to rebuild trust if she takes responsibility for her own actions and changes the way she thinks about trust.
Many mistakes aren't done on purpose, so it's best not to make them out to be something else. Listen to what your partner has to say and don't blame or criticize them when you talk to them about your worries.
For example, if Tanya is a forgiving person, she might think that Tom might have just made a mistake by not telling her about his contact with his ex and not telling her about it. Or, he might have thought he couldn't be completely honest with Tanya because she had been jealous of his ex in the past, and he didn't want to lose her.
Many mistakes aren't done on purpose, so it's best not to make them out to be something else. Listen to what your partner has to say and don't blame or criticize them when you talk to them about your worries.
Dr. Gottman says that if Tanya and Tom don't change their negative pattern, they may start to criticize and disrespect each other. These are two of the most important signs that their marriage is doomed to fail.
Why is it Important to Forgive?
When you forgive, you give yourself, your kids, and your partner the kind of future you all deserve, one that is free of hurt and anger.
People often think that forgiving someone is a sign of weakness, and many people think that if you forgive someone, you approve of or excuse what they did. But in a marriage, being able to forgive is a strength because it shows that you can be kind to your partner. Studies show that forgiving someone is one way to let go so you can heal and move on with your life.
When you forgive, you give yourself, your kids, and your partner the kind of future you all deserve, one that is free of hurt and anger. It's about choosing to live a life where other people don't have power over you and where bitterness and resentment don't run your life.
It's important to remember that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. To forgive someone is not to let them off the hook. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting what happened or agreeing with your ex-actions spouse's or giving up your rights to a fair settlement or reconciliation. Even though forgiveness can help other people, it can help you most of all.
Here are seven ways in which forgiving each other can make your marriage better.
1. Write down three ways that negative emotions have hurt your marriage or are still hurting it.
Be aware of any bad feelings that you haven't dealt with yet. This can be easier if you talk to a close friend or therapist about it.
2. Find a way to get yourself out of bad feelings.
Some examples are relationship coaching, yoga, getting healthier, and practicing how to say what you think, feel, and want in a respectful way. People can get angry if they try to hide things, so don't bury your negative feelings.
3. Take small steps to make things right and let go of bad feelings.
The main thing that keeps couples from building trust and emotional closeness is that they can't get over a fight in a healthy way. The best way to fix this is to learn how to fix things well. H if you don't want things to get worse, you need to get back on track after a fight.
4. Take responsibility for what you did in the exchange.
If one person can do this, it can change how the relationship works. Julie and John Gottman, both doctors, say that "one person's response will literally change the other person's brain waves." When it's appropriate, say sorry to your partner. This will show that you understand how they feel, help them forgive you, and let you both move on.
5. Don't allow wounds to get worse.
Your self-defeating beliefs and thoughts about holding on to hurt feelings need to be questioned. Getting to the bottom of what happened will help you let go of your anger and move on to a better relationship. Think about the big picture.
6. Understand that everyone does the best they can.
This doesn't mean you agree with the hurtful things other people do. You just get a better idea of how things really were in the past. As you think about it, you'll see that everyone is driven by the same basic things, like self-interest.
7. Think like a forgiving person.
Think like a forgiving person when you are trying to forgive. Don't hold grudges and tell yourself you're free to stop being a victim. After all, we are all flawed and need kindness.
When you learn to forgive, you will stop feeling like a victim and start to feel more in control of your life. Experts say that if you can forgive, you can break the cycle of pain and move on to a better life. Keep in mind that forgiving someone takes time and often means letting go of things you can't change.
Coach Moore
Life Coach, Relationship Coach
Royal Oak, Michigan
- Masters Degree Organizational Psychology
- Relationship Coaching
- Bachelors Degree Business Management
- Christian Marriage Coaching
- Coaching Ethics IQ
- Coaching for Calling/Life Purpose
- Building on the foundational goals and process of faith development
- How Mindsets and Questioning Empower Successful Coaching
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