My Journey
Yesterday I had the most amazing conversation with Spiritual healer and mentor, Jeanne Street from jeannestreet.com. She helped me to realign my faith in a time when everything felt messed up. She also helped me align with who I am and I walked away with deep gratitude. Jeanne is a remarkable soul who has such a gift in what she does and she moves her work through love and with God.
Over the past six months, I have been working hard on writing my story. Sometimes, that has entailed focusing on personal healing versus actual writing. For those who are just visiting my page and learning about who I am, let me tell you, I am still learning who I am! As I continue to progress on my spiritual growth and journey, I will eagerly be sharing with all of you how it has been and the new challenges that come up.
I have come a long way, but I am not done yet. In fact, life is never to the point where we are completely healed and we live life in 100% perfection and bliss. Life is a continuous opportunity to learn and grow and surrender.
Surrendering more
One of my most inspiring role models, Gabby Bernstein went live with her book tour, for her latest book, The Universe Has Your Back and I attended her talk in Ridgefield, CT a couple weeks ago. I was excited to hear her speak and read her book and as I sat in amazement watching her lead the crowd, she said what I have been needing to hear. “Just when you have surrendered, surrender some more.” Tears began to pour down my face but I didn’t know exactly why.
My recovery from darkness back into the Light of God took a lot of courage as I learned to surrender… to let go of my heavy heart into the capable hands of God… and move toward the light of God.
In the summer of 2000, I was violently raped and I escaped my attacker who wanted to kill me. I had a few minutes that I could actually run. In writing my first book, I know that I need to move my audience through the events that took place before and after. I need them to know how my brokenness wasn’t over after that fateful night and how I finally came to choose what we all strive for, Love. That is what Jesus taught and the words I sang as a small child…”Jesus loves me, this I know…”
My Loss
After my son, Joseph passed away in 2013, I was left with a choice to make, yet at the time, I thought I couldn’t take much more of this life. I wanted the Lord to take me too. My son’s powerful male energy moved through me for 26 weeks in my womb, touching my heart and breaking it all at the same time. My chest felt empty and to my horror what came forward, what I had so carefully hid in my heart, was the night I was attacked. I did not know what to do with all that pain until my third baby was born.
A little girl, named Layla, born a year later. I was still so lost in the darkness of grief and fear until eight weeks after she was born. One day I finally hit a wall, a black wall. Depression overwhelmed me and I sought frantically to find the door to get out. And then I knew… I had to let go or it would consume me. I finally surrendered.
My long road to recovery
Three years has gone by since Joseph’s passing, and I find myself surrendering every day to God.
- Every day I learn new lessons.
- And every day God’s Love keeps growing, pushing the darkness out.
- I have learned that the Light is greater than darkness. It shines through the darkness.
Today, even though I feel safe in my home and with renewed strength from Spirit, I still struggle. The Spirit gives me courage as I step through difficult memories. I am still working my way through darkness. But one thing I have learned: every moment, every day is a choice…to choose love or fear.
A constant battle
Over the past three months, the fearful memories have moved from a rapid speed to slowing down. In the beginning of writing my story, I was forced to remember the face of my attacker and the awful things he said to me. Writing has forced me to replay the scene over and over. I have felt raw and vulnerable as I write because it triggered certain events.
Last week, during this incredibly stressful election, Trump’s previous allegations with women he sexually assaulted was brought to public. I am not one to sit here and argue which side of the political party in this election is right or if those allegations are 100% true. But it struck a cord and pushed me to anger. It felt like a violation all over again and I cried. I felt like my attacker was coming at me again. I wondered: has fear swallowed me whole again?
Sometimes I take one step forward and two back… And then I remembered to surrender again.
I fell to my knees and prayed…for myself and all women who have been violently assaulted. I gave the energy back to my attacker and for the first time, opened to door to forgiveness. I asked God to help me see him as God sees him. He is God’s creation who separates himself from God.
Love trumps hate
Today I can say: He didn’t win. Love wins. The violence has become my teacher. It brought me closer to God and has led me back to forgiveness and grace. Have I totally arrived? No. But then who has this side of heaven.
But what I do know is that I am God’s child, deeply loved and I am supported no matter what.
I am still here, I am still breathing. I have a purpose that God has been feverishly leading me towards.
- To help myself and help those who have been traumatized in body, mind and spirit.
- To help you surrender to Love and then surrender again and again.
May Love surround you and keep you blessed each day.
On the journey with you,
Lindsay Marie
COMMENTS