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Rediscovering Romance: Secrets to Finding the Right Man After Divorce

TAGS: coaching, life coaching, business coaching, coach, life coach, self help, personal development single woman, dating after divorce, love after divorce, divorced women, dating after 30, dating after 40, dating after 50

You’re single again – congratulations! You might not hear that from most people. Most will give you a sorrowful look and then say, “I’m so sorry.” But whether you decided to move forward with a divorce or your ex-husband did – one thing we know for sure – it wasn’t the right match.

Now you’re free to find your one true, real soul mate in life. Or – maybe you don’t even want anything that serious. Perhaps you’ve decided you love being single, but you’d like to have a man (or several) to date now that you’re free.

Either way, this will all be done on your terms now. You have racked up some life experience, and you can weed out the kinds of men who don’t suit your needs.

How soon should you start dating after your divorce? Well, that depends on whether or not there are kids involved. Kids can be sensitive; even if you’ve known the marriage was over for a decade, it will be new to them.

You can date soon after but don’t have seven different men picking you up at your door every week immediately after the divorce. Even one is too many if the kids are struggling with the separation – so it’s best to take your dating outside their world.

If there are no kids involved, then there’s no set time. You can give yourself time to grieve the loss of your marriage or jump right into the dating scene – whatever works for you!

Just don’t sit on the sidelines too long out of fear. Millions of people are in the same situation as you – and they didn’t find their soul mate on the first try – so your perfect match might be waiting.

Rediscovering Romance: Outdoor date

Figure out what kind of dating you want to do

What kind of mindset are you in right now? Are you in a man-hating mode where you are taking everything your ex ever did to you out on every man that exists? That’s understandable, but it’s not fair – so find a way to let go of that anger and wait until you do before you hit the dating scene.

Maybe you’re not angry with all men, but you can’t see yourself back in a relationship right now. That’s okay! You can have fun, casual companionship with one or more men without requiring you to commit.

Or, you might miss marriage and want to find someone who you can have that kind of connection with. Whatever choice you make – men are searching for the same thing.


Who's your Mr. Right? Finding the right man after divorce

Some men and women get a divorce and start dating each other all over again. You sometimes hear about them getting back together and living happily ever after.

But this isn’t usually the case. You don’t want to make the same mistakes a second time. Spend some time before you start dating to figure out what you want out of your dates.

If you want to, start with what you hated about your ex! Was he a couch potato, and you wanted to get out and see the world? Was it impossible for him to smile while you tried to be silly and fun? Was he always spending while you wanted to be smart with your money?

Narrowing it down this way will help you flip those “dislikes” around and discover what kind of man you  want. For example, you might find out that one of these is most important to you – based on what your last experience was like:

  • Appearances – because your ex never cared about his
  • Sense of Humor – because your ex was always too serious
  • Financial Security – because your ex blew through money and created debt
  • Respectful – because your ex treated you without any
  • Adventurous – because your ex preferred a boring life, and you didn’t

Or, if you want to leave your ex out of the equation and create your list of “deal breakers” (things you can’t do without), that’s fine, too!

As you grow older, things might have changed about what you want in a man that you date. Maybe before (in your 20s), it was all about looks. Now, in your 40s, perhaps it’s all about financial security and a sense of humor.

Don’t let other people’s ideal vision of your date influence your decision. Divorce is heartbreaking, and you want to ensure that this choice is all about you and your needs – not your best friend or parent.

Sometimes, the best way to find love again is to rediscover the love within yourself.	Robert Tew

Get Prepared So You Feel Strong and in Control

Divorce can leave you feeling so drained – emotionally and even physically. You might have lower self-esteem when you emerge, or maybe you’re the type of person who comes out of it stronger than ever!

Either way, please prepare before you hit the dating scene to make sure that you find someone who suits your needs. Sometimes we stifle who we are in a marriage.

Maybe your ex was a couch potato, so you were too – when you really wanted to be outdoors and active (and that’s the kind of man you’re looking for now).

Maybe that caused you to gain a lot of weight, and you want someone fit and healthy. There’s nothing wrong with trying to look the way you want to look and feel the way you want to feel.

Do things you’ve never done before but always wanted to do – get your mental spirit back in the game so that you’re not just a bystander but a participant in the life you want to live!

If your ex always liked you with long hair, but you wanted it short – and want to find a man to date who doesn’t mind short hair, then go ahead and cut it now! There’s no one to answer to now – no one to “make happy” except yourself.

Start living the life you’ve always wanted so that when you find the man you wish, he’ll see you in your preferred environment. Suppose you stay the same way you always have been (when you did it to please someone else). In that case, you’ll attract the same type of men and probably go through a similar relationship as you did before.

What kind of preparation do you need to go through? It will differ for everyone, but here are a few things you might consider:

  • Go Counseling – if you feel a lot of emotional turmoil from your last marriage, you might want to go through this cleansing process to let go of past hurts and get ready to embrace a happy future.

  • Start a new diet and fitness regimen – if you gained weight out of depression during a tumultuous marriage, then you might want to get fit and look great before you hit the dating scene.

  • Get a makeover –look at yourself and see if you’ve let yourself go during the marriage. Are your clothes outdated or not fitting right? Is your hairstyle fresh and trendy? Don’t be afraid to change to be the woman you want.

Where You’ll Find Prospective Dates

Once you decide what you want and you’re in a good place where you feel strong, powerful, and in control, you can start looking for the right kind of man you want to date.

How can you find him? In today’s world, it’s okay to approach men or set yourself up so they can approach you. You’ll find more opportunities now that your eyes are open to them. The goal is to date consciously.

Meeting men online can have its pros and cons. On the good side, you’re keeping them at a safe distance and able to be picky and “vet” them along the way.

On the other hand, many liars out there might be married, using a phony picture, fibbing about whatever they discuss with you, etc. This isn’t always the case.

There are many wonderful men out there who are looking for a great, honest woman. You must be 100% genuine in your online dating profile and discussions.

What’s the point of lying about your appearance or interests, etc.? All that does is ensure that you’ll meet someone who’s not completely happy with the real you – and then you’re setting yourself and him up for disappointment later. It’s a waste of time.

Suppose you decide to go with the online dating route. In that case, it’s okay to start off free. Still, it’s much better if you take a paid membership to get matched up with the right men and find out more about them before you begin discussions with them.

How about matchmakers in real life offline? That can be your Mom, friends, coworkers, or even a professional matchmaker in your city. These work well often because these people know you best – and they see two people who would be so right for each other and can arrange an introduction.

It doesn’t have to be a “blind date” per se. You can always attend a dinner party at a backyard bar-b-q where the other person happens to be, too. Then your friends can introduce you to a relaxed setting and see where it leads!

Events that men go to are another excellent place to meet some great guys. Sporting events (if you like them) can be good. Many discussions occur at ball games in the stands or outside in the parking lot while tailgating.

Do you want to date one person at a time or play the field and see what is out there? Either way is okay. You can be honest upfront and let your dates know you’re dating several people at once – if you want to.

Making Sure Your Dates Are a Great Experience

When you first start dating someone, you want to be very careful. Safety is a real concern in the dating world when you’re a woman, and you’re meeting strangers – especially if it’s someone you met online who none of your friends or family knows.

Could you tell someone or leave a note about where you went, what time and day, and who you went to meet? Don’t let anyone you don’t know to pick you up at your home.

He may not be a serial killer, but he might be clingy and stalker-ish – two things you don’t want or need in your life if you decide to part ways with him. Meet at a public place, too – not at his apartment or anywhere you must be alone.

You can drive yourself to and from the date. You want to remain alert and not drink too much, so driving will ensure you stay sober and have an easy way to leave if the date’s not going well.

Make sure you pick a fun activity on your first date – but one where you can talk to one another! A movie isn’t conducive to good conversation, so try something else.

What if it’s not a great date? What if he turns out to be everything you don’t want in a guy? There’s no harm in forming new friendships – even if they can’t turn romantic.

But if you don’t want to go that far, you can end the date early and move on to the next opportunity. Don’t make a phony excuse – he’ll know, and it makes everyone uncomfortable.

You can say, “I’m delighted we got to meet, but I don’t feel there’s much of a connection between us. I think I will head home – but I appreciate the opportunity to get to know you!”

Lastly, don’t worry about your ex’s thoughts about the new man you’re dating. This is none of his business – so if he makes snide remarks about your new guy, smile and be thankful you’re not with him anymore!

5 Secrets to Finding the Right Man After Divorce

If you still would like to learn more about conscious dating and find a healthy, loving relationship, set up a free 15-minute call by clicking the Contact Me link above.

Raquelle Williams
Life Coach

Professional and Life Relationship
Seattle, Washington
Passionate coach who strives to help my clients with tips & techniques to help achieve their goals
- Usui Reiki Master
- Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach
- Certified Holistic Health Coach
- Certified Dating & Relationship Coach
- Certified Professional Life Coach
- Crystal Healing Practitioners
- NLP Training


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The material in this site is intended to be of general informational use and is not intended to constitute medical advice, probable diagnosis, recommended treatments, or professional advice. Readers should consult with a licensed professional to get advice for their individual situation. See the Disclaimer and Terms of Use for more information. Copyright Life Coach Hub Ltd 2016. A community of life coaches dedicated to improving your life.
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