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Relationship Break Up Advice: Healing from a Break Up

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If it's one sided, it won't work

My own story of a Break up

Before I get into the meat and potatoes of this article, let me tell you a bit about my journey, which is closely related to this topic of dealing with a breakup.

My story started as a double-barrelled relationship breakdown. I was working for a company in Brighton, on a business trip to the Middle East. During this time, I was in a relationship that was far from perfect. In fact it was at its end, but I didn't want to let it go. Especially since the girl i was with is the mother of my son, but there comes a time when things just don't work and you must call it quits before things get worse, or so that is what I thought.

Anyway, there I was in a hotel in Riyadh Saudi Arabia, when a message popped up on my Facebook messenger saying "hi stranger." It turns out that this was from an ex-girlfriend. Way back in the early 80's, we were dating, but hadn't seen each other for over 20 years. Fast forwarding a little, it also turned out that we worked close to each other and lived nearby without knowing over the years.

Immediately, we struck up a friendship and because this girl had been through a breakdown of her own marriage recently, she was aware of what I was going through. She was someone who shared my pain, understood and listened. 

Once I got back, my relationship broke down and I ended up leaving the family home.

This girl from my past was there to help, be an ear and we spent time together as friends supporting each other. Over time, we got closer and we had no secrets from each other, or so I thought, and we ended up getting married.

Life was good again, in fact it was the best it has ever been. I had a beautiful wife, home, family. Although of course, there were challenges as with any family.

Learning Self-awareness through the break up

Through my experiences, I realized that if your relationship is in a stage of breakup, it's for a reason, and part of that is down to you. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's the truth. Very rarely is one person to blame when a relationship fails.

Going back to my story, this relationship, which sounds like a happily ever after, was doomed for failure, and I have to take full responsibility for that. Not all the blame, but the responsibility. You see, I got lazy in the relationship, I took my wife for granted, I didn't do what I was supposed to do to ensure a strong relationship. We both suffered from depression, which was in part caused by my own personality.

Self-evaluation and the break up

And so, after church one Sunday, she told me she didn't want us to be together anymore. It felt like my world had ended, much like some of you may be feeling now. This was where I started to take a long hard look at myself and found the failings in my character that were contributing factors to the breakdown of this once fabulous relationship.

I moved out of the house and was miserable... deeply miserable because I didn't know why she had given up on our marriage. Then, I started to learn about myself, what I was like as a person. And I found out that I was...

  • Lazy
  • Angry
  • Self-centred
  • Needy
  • Jealous
  • Resentful
  • Had no life purpose
  • Had no positive career

Not a good basis for a relationship, I'm sure you will agree.

This is why I urge you to find out what you are like, and what you need to work on to be the best you can be for you. Don't do it for someone else, as that is a cop out. It has to be a self development process for you.

Self-development towards a better you

There we were, living apart, but finally talking and dating again. We are trying to work towards the future of being together. This girl gave me a list of what she needed me to do, so that we could be together again and she set a time that it had to be done in.

Yes, it was a form of control, but I thought that I could deal with it and work with that situation. 

Much to her surprise, I did everything she wanted me to do. I got a good job, stopped being lazy and focused on making her feel wanted. I loved her in a way that hadn't been there for a long time. We even went away for a spa weekend and had a fabulous time together, but it wasn't enough.

As it turns out, there was something else that she wasn't telling me, and the hard work I was putting in was all for nothing. She gave up a short time later and filed for divorce.

It takes two

So what's the point of me telling you this story? 

There are times, when it doesn't matter how much work you put into a relationship, if it's one-sided, it won't work. Two people have to work at it and want the same thing. If you haven't seen my article on relationships, check it out. Learn to see these signals and work on yourself to be the best you can be for you.

Here is the biggest and what may be the hardest part of this process of dealing with a breakup. You will be saying the same as I did, that if she would just take me back it would all be ok. Well, I hate to say it, but it won't. Whatever you do, don't go back to your ex. If you do, you will undo all that hard work.

You will slip back in to homeostasis (I'll talk about that in another article). You will slip back to your old ways and won't develop yourself. The relationship will fail again. Unless, you both work on improving yourselves together for each of your own benefit. Bit of a paradox, isn't it?

Some may be able to relate to this story and if you can, I know what you are going through and you're not alone. Don't let your relationship get to this state.

If you're reading this either you have been through a breakup, or you are feeling that there is a challenge in your relationship. Tackle it now, talk to someone who will have some ideas on how to repair a less than perfect relationship. It's not too late to take action and save it.

So, be the best you can be for you, and move forward with a new outlook that will lead to a beautiful and happy life.

Here's to your eternal happiness.

Cheers

Ian
Coach
Partner To Success


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