Should You Choose a Grief Coach or a Grief Counselor? (With Questions)

Updated February 8, 2023

Grief coaching 

Years after my son Nicholas’ death, I started feeling a pull to become a grief counselor (therapist) so I could help other moms suffering through their own child loss.

But then I was introduced to grief COACHING, and fell in love with the concept of helping Moms all over the world deal with the loss of a child.

Coaching is a relatively new profession (there are coaches for business, confidence, relationships, money, and more, plus general life coaching), but don’t count it out just because you aren’t familiar with it. 

I think coaching is comparable to what we thought about working out in the 1950s & ’60s. Very few people exercised, went to the gym, got sweaty, had muscles (except maybe Jack LaLanne - I’m revealing my age!)  Nowadays, working out is commonplace, accepted, and recommended to have a healthy body. The concept of coaching is the same - except in the case of coaching, we’re promoting a healthy mind.

So if you’ve lost a child you might be asking, “Should I see a grief coach or a grief therapist?”

It really depends on what you’re seeking. Think of it like this: if you wanted to improve your muscle tone and overall health, would you go see a sports medicine doctor or a personal trainer?

Right after Nick died, I went to Therapy, and it was helpful to a point. For me, my therapy ended fairly quickly when I had accepted what happened and it seemed like we were just repeating the same conversation over and over.  

Oh my goodness, how I could have benefitted from Grief Coaching at that time!

Comparison of grief therapy and grief coaching 

Here is MY comparison of the two:

Why you need a grief coach

Whether it’s sharing happiness or misery, at some point in our lives, we need someone who’ll be there for us. That person who can basically just listen, particularly when we are at our lowest. 

Losing someone you love can leave you with an unfathomable feeling of deep sadness, guilt, disappointment, and helplessness. It’s like being a once awesome runner but suddenly getting crippled after encountering a huge boulder.

You lose your focus. You lose your strength. Then eventually lose your will to move forward.

What’s making it more difficult is that you find it hard to open up about the emotions that are building up inside. You feel sharing these thoughts and feelings will only make your family feel worse. Or at least you must show how strong you are. This way, they’ll get that strength to move on as well.

These moments, though they are hurtful, are best shared with someone. I remember the saying from a Swedish proverb, “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow”.

Whether it’s sharing happiness or misery, at some point in our lives, we need someone who’ll be there for us. That person who can basically just listen, particularly when we are at our lowest. 

The great thing is that now, grief coaching is becoming more popular, and grief coaches can be easily accessed. A grief coach can help you get your life back on track as you cope with the loss of a parent, child, pet, or anyone close to you. 

What your grief coaching session would look like

Grief coaching can help you to understand your feelings to release the pain and emerge stronger. With a grief coach, you can get redirected to get back on track towards living a meaningful life. 

Before we continue, let me just say that going through grief is a lonely road everyone takes. It is absolutely normal to feel momentary despair or sadness or sometimes get depressed. It’s your own unique road, and no one knows how long it will last. 

Grief coaching can help you to understand your feelings to release the pain and emerge stronger. With a grief coach, you can get redirected to get back on track toward living a meaningful life.

How? It all starts with an open and sincere talk about what you’re going through. 

Take a look at some of the grief coaching questions that your coach may ask.

Grief coaching questions

As we go through the cycle of life, from the birth of a child to birthdays, to momentous family events, perhaps the most surprising and devastating feeling is that of losing a loved one. Other than it is often unexpected, there’s really no formula on how to get through it.  

We just have to learn it by ourselves, little by little. We may not even show clear signs of grieving but it doesn’t mean we are okay. It’s also normal to sometimes burst into tears as we get reminded of the past when our spouse, parent, or child was still around. 

During this time, a life coach can help lift your load and navigate through life by using grief coaching questions. This way, your journey toward acceptance and the whole grieving process becomes lighter and more manageable.

Grief coaching questions are structured in a way to support you toward healing. They start by allowing you to open up about your recent loss and end with gearing towards positivity and acceptance.

Grief coaching questions about understanding the loss of a loved one

Like any coaching session, there’s always that goal of achieving success or improving your condition. Grief coaching lets you come to terms with your emotions. This eventually paves a way for you to move forward. 

But how? First, you need to understand and sort out your feelings after losing someone. This is the only way to reconcile with your grief and come to an acceptance of your loss. 

Your coach will encourage you to talk about what you’re going through, to allow you to process your emotions. This is where you’ll start to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, leading you to embrace grief and resume your road to recovery.   

Here are the questions your grief coach may ask during your session.

• What kind of loss are you experiencing? (Ex. loss of a parent, child, sibling, friend, or pet)
• How would having this discussion support what you’re going through now?
• Have you tried speaking to someone about your situation?   
• Can you describe to me a typical day after your loss?
• What sort of feelings do you experience these days?

Grief coaching questions about appreciating a loved one’s legacy

Your grief coach can guide you in navigating your rocky journey by remembering how your loved one lived their life. 

Getting past the mourning stage doesn’t mean that you have to bury your loved ones' memories. It means honoring them and their legacy, or how they wish to be remembered. 

This is where you do some “meaning-making” of what you are experiencing (Bryant, C., 2003, 438). Imagine how your loved one wants you to incorporate their values, wishes, and will into your daily life (Hedtke L., et. al., 2016). 

Let these questions guide you to appreciate your loved one’s legacy.   

• In three words, how can you describe your loved one?
• Thinking of your loved one, what were some of your favorite memories? 
• What do you appreciate most from your loved one?
• Think back to the moments you shared, what were the three most important lessons, skills, or gifts that you received from your loved one?
• What’s the greatest advice or saying you won’t forget from your loved one?
• How did your relationship with your loved one create an impact on who you are today? 

Grief coaching questions about the grieving process

Though death is certain, many of us still find ourselves in disbelief, shock, or in denial when someone close to us breathes their last. This holds even when a loved one loses their battle in sickness, whether it's a parent, child, friend, or pet. 

Since we all grieve differently, it’s only usual to feel conflicting emotions, from anger to guilt, or helplessness to loss of interest to do things. But with a grief coach, you’ll have an extra source of support, to make sure you don’t get stuck in your emotions.

Though it’s hard, you need to look beneath your pains to find meaning and comfort. 

Here are the questions your coach may ask:    

• How well do you eat and sleep these days?
• How are you coping after your loss?
• How often do you go out to meet friends?
• What do you do when dealing with your loss gets too painful?
• Are there activities you do to try to drive the pain away? What activities help you to “forget” the pain?
• Where do you get the comfort now?
• Do you recall memories and seek comfort? If so, what are those memories?
• Do you avoid places or things that trigger painful memories? If so, what are they?
• What would you wish you'd said (or didn’t say) when your loved one was still alive?
• Can you tell me your understanding of how one should manage grief?
• So far, what is the most difficult feeling as you mourn right now?
• Is there anything that hinders you to grieve openly or naturally?

Grief coaching questions beyond the pain of mourning

When mourning a loss of a loved one, we are often left with feelings of despair, shame, guilt, or anxiety. There’s a part of us that wishes, “What if I did or didn’t do this, would things turn out differently?” 

Most of the time, we resort to blaming ourselves, even if we did everything with what we have.

Let a grief coach help you in shifting your perspective positively. For example, try to visualize an alternative storyline that dwells more on how you supported your loved one when they were still around. Were you able to be there for them physically, spiritually, psychologically, or financially?  

By creating a more constructive approach to dealing with grief, you can slowly break away from the hurt and the “what ifs” of losing someone you loved. It can help you look beyond the pain and gain clarity on your grief. Your grief coach will support you in finding meaning and answers through these questions.   

• What is the greatest lesson you learned after experiencing your loss?
• If your pain can speak, what is it trying to tell you?
• What did your loved one appreciate most about you?
• If your loved one is here, what might he or she say about how you contributed to his or her life, especially during the final days?    
• Is there anything that stands in the way of your complete healing?

Grief coaching questions to help find the path forward

The road to recovery after experiencing one’s loss takes time. But with a grief coach, you’ll be able to see the light. Try to reflect on what your loved one wants you to do as they leave this world. Do they have wishes they want to be fulfilled?

Take time to process your thoughts as it is surely a challenging road ahead. But you also have to consider that your loved one also wants you to continue your journey without them, in order for them to attain eternal rest. 

Let your coach guide you to get back on track by asking these questions:

• Is there something your loved one wished you to do?
• What can actually make your loved one happy?
• How can you continue your loved one’s legacy?
• In what ways do you remember your loved one as you continue your life’s journey without them? (Ex. Do you speak, think of, or dream of them in certain situations?)
• Do you allow yourself to enjoy life since your loss? If yes, what activities brought you joy?
• If you could visualize what your life looks like now, how do you see it? 
• Think back to the other tough times in your life, what has helped you to overcome them? 
• When your loved one was still around, what have you always wanted to do but could not?
• What hobbies or activities did you want to try?
• How do you see yourself a year from now?

Final thoughts about grief therapy vs grief coaching 

Many times I have watched a Mom realize that life can be happy again, life can be good again, and start looking forward to their future again. 

Obviously, I truly believe in Grief Coaching. I believe because I have personally seen the results my clients have experienced when adding coaching to their grieving process.  Many times I have watched a Mom realize that life can be happy again, life can be good again, and start looking forward to their future again.   

But Grief Coaching is NOT for everyone. In cases where bereavement has caused severe depression, the inability to deal with daily tasks or the need to explore the details of their loved ones death in order to accept reality a Therapist is necessary and life giving.  I know because a Therapist helped me with the acceptance piece of my grief journey.

For those who are ready and willing to ask the question “Where do I go from here?”, working with a Grief Coach will help you not only “bounce back” but “bounce forward”! 

However, for those who are ready and willing to ask the question “Where do I go from here?”, working with a Grief Coach will help you not only “bounce back” but “bounce forward”!

If you are a Mom who’s lost a child, please consider Grief Coaching. I would love to talk to you further about the possibilities and whether or not it’s right for your particular situation.