Dating. Have you ever been on a date? My guess is, you have if you are reading this. For those who’ve never been to one yet, don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll have some useful tips for your dating journey by the end of this article.
Okay, let’s now go to those who have experienced the ups and downs of dating. Have you ever had the misfortune of having a bad date? Have you ever been in a dating relationship that did not work out as you had hoped? Have you ever wondered what you could have done better to make your short-lived relationship last a little bit longer?
You are not alone. I have too and I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
MY INEPT DATING EXPERIENCES
I’ve had plenty of embarrassing encounters in my dating career. There are so many of them that when I look back, I gasp. One such experience that especially comes to mind is my short-lived relationship with a German girl that I had met through mutual friends.
Right from the start, I lacked all the basics of how to handle a relationship. I fell hard right from the start. I neglected all the telltale signs that spoke of impending doom. I ignored the advice of my friends and assumed that our relationship had already become exclusive (a huge assumption on my part….).
Suffice it to say, it was all tears and regret a mere 5 months later when she abruptly ended the relationship. That heartbreak was something that I’d never forget. However, looking back, so much was learnt.
Enough about me. Does my experience resonate with you? Do you feel like you have inadequate dating skills? Don’t worry, this article will equip you with the 9 best tips a dating coach to up your dating game!
Sometimes you have to stand your ground, push away your emotions, and apply logic. If how they treat you is the exact opposite of the sweet nothings that they whisper to you, then it’s time to stand up, open the door and walk away.
WATCH HOW THEY TREATS YOU... THAT'S HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT YOU
Tip number one: Actions speak louder than words! I don’t know how hard I have to emphasise in order to drive this point home. It’s easy for someone to whisper sweet tales of how they love you to the moon and back. Or how you’re the only one they’ve ever loved. And so much blah blah.
However, the real test comes in how they treat you. If they really love you, then they should give you attention, treat you kindly, and be loyal. Being a cheater, gaslighting you and then asking for forgiveness while reminding you that they still love you doesn’t sound genuine at all.
I know that sometimes it can be hard to grasp this, especially when you have fallen for them already. However, don’t let them take your love for them for granted, especially since many players know they can get away with hurting you constantly because they know you love them.
Sometimes you have to stand your ground, push away your emotions, and apply logic. If how they treat you is the exact opposite of the sweet nothings that they whisper to you, then it’s time to stand up, open the door and walk away.
YOU'RE SINGLE UNTIL THEY HAVE MADE THEIR INTENTIONS CLEAR
There is a big difference between a casual relationship and a committed relationship. A casual relationship, you know, where there are no strings attached. Where it’s all just for fun, keeping each other company and nothing more.
There is also a big distinction between that and a committed relationship where both parties agree that they are in the relationship EXCLUSIVELY. I am saying this because today’s hookup culture is rampant. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with that.
What’s wrong is when you're investing your emotions in a relationship when your partner has no intentions of doing the same. Let me hope that you're mature enough to have passed through the phase of high school relationships.
I’m speaking of our naive young relationships where we swore to love each other "’til death do us part" after just a few weeks of love letters and romance... lol (They were so sweet though!)
That should not be the kind of decision-making that you should exercise in your relationships. I’m sure you're mature enough by now to distinguish between a casual and a serious relationship.
Have a conversation with them. "Babe, what’s your view on this relationship?" That’s the kind of question you ought to ask. Make your intentions clear and know theirs as well. Based on that, you can then decide whether the relationship is right for you.
DON'T DATE SOMEONE BECAUSE OF THEIR "POTENTIAL"
I cannot count how many times I’ve heard this from clients as a dating coach: "I regret pursuing this relationship. I married them because of their potential.” What you see is what you get! If he’s unmotivated now, don’t assume that you’ll have the magical pill that will make him ambitious in the future. If she’s hot tempered now, don’t think that she will be a lamb in the future.
It's better to pursue a relationship with someone who is a go-getter now than someone who you think will be so in the future.
I've had clients who have invested themselves in a relationship hoping to "change" their partner. Suffice it to say, I normally hear complaints later on when they face frustrations in their relationships.
One client, in particular, dove into a relationship with a young, bright lawyer. He had talked of having grand ambitions that he was going to pursue. However, he rarely put in his energy into actually pursuing these so-called ambitions. Charmed, she fell for him, thinking that he had potential. I tried to dissuade her, but she persisted in pursuing the relationship.
Last time I met with her, she complained that her partner had become unmotivated, stubborn, and complacent. She pondered quitting the relationship. I’m now glad that she's now coming to terms with it. However, thinking back, I hate to say that I told you so...
It's better to pursue a relationship with someone who is a go-getter now than someone who you think will be so in the future.
IT'S 2022. GET ONLINE
I’m sure that you are reading this article either scrolling through your smartphone, or using your computer. We are in a digital age. Dating has been transformed by technology.
Long gone are the days where you would meet people only through mutual friends, at work or through general social encounters. Could you imagine how hard it was to date using this old school method, especially during the pandemic?
Your app store now has dating apps that can match you with someone miles away with just a few right swipes. Swipe right if you like them. Swipe left if you don’t. If they swipe right on you, it's a MATCH!.
Converse on the app, agree on a date, and then take things from there. As simple as that. I’d like to say that online dating has been a game changer for most of my clients. It has vastly expanded their dating pool.
Here are some tips to make it easier in the online dating world:
-
Get your profile right.
-
Add a killer photo.
-
Don’t worry about spending a few bucks to get premium features on the app.
-
Stick with it. Don’t give up after having no luck after a few swipes.
And when you have had success with it, don’t forget to thank me. Wink!
OFTEN, IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO FIND YOUR MATCH
Dating is personal. I agree. However, a little help from your friends, co-workers, or even parents sometimes is okay. I have clients who have met their partners through blind dates arranged by guess who? Their friends!
Countless people are in long-term committed relationships after initially meeting their sweethearts via blind dates. One good example is that of Kamala Harris, the current US vice president. She’d met her current husband through a blind date organised by her friends. Good for her, though!
So don’t be afraid to open up your dating life to your friends, co-workers, and even parents. If you are looking for someone, ask them for some help. Who knows? They might have that hot bachelor or bachelorette in mind who is also looking for someone.
You revealing to them that you’re also single and searching could be what it takes to make a match. And do you know why this is also good?
Your friends will not recommend someone who is questionable to you. They’ll have screened them firsthand.
NOT ALL ARE ROTTEN TOMATOES. THERE ARE STILL GOOD ONES OUT THERE
How many of you have been heartbroken? I have. Unless you are very lucky, I’m sure you have or you will if you‘ve not been yet.
Are you one of those people who consider themselves "unlucky" when it comes to relationships? It’s so easy to fall into cynicism after failing many relationships. I get it.
However, there are still good folks out there. There are still good, loyal, faithful, and kind partners out there. You just need to screen them better next time before jumping into a relationship.
Don't stay in a relationship with the wrong person because of peer pressure. Or because you are afraid of being alone! Unless you want to have a cynical view of relationships, make sure that you commit to a relationship with the right person.
Take your time. Do not be in a hurry. Inquire about their past. How did their previous relationships end? Why did their previous relationships end? How do they treat those who are close to them?
Their previous actions should be the closest indication of how they’ll treat you in the future. Don’t assume that they will change after meeting you.
GET YOUR FRIENDS TO DO THE VETTING FOR YOU
Before entering into any relationship, seek advice from your friends.
It’s always good to have friends who have your back. You know, those friends who will not hesitate to give you advice and correct you sometimes. I'm not speaking of those secretly jealous friends who want to sabotage your relationship.
Often, your friends have the best perspective on your dating partner's personality. You may be so emotionally invested in the relationship that you are blinded to seeing the red flags in your relationship.
Your friends, on the other hand, can see the dating red flags and can point you to them. So, before entering into any relationship, seek advice from your friends. Heck, your friends might even know some sordid details about your partner that you wouldn’t know.
One of my clients was lied to by a snake oil salesman, big time. Little did she know that he was married and had multiple children. Guess who informed her? Her friend, who had previously worked with her partner,
Fortunately, she dodged a bullet.
NO ONE IS PERFECT
We are all human. We all have imperfections here and there. You will never find a man who possesses all of the characteristics that you imagine your ideal man to possess. Nor will you find an ideal lady, guys.
The challenge of making a relationship work is acknowledging the fact that your partner has imperfections, and it’s your duty to accommodate them as they are.
Ironically, often we are not aware of our own inadequacies. Or if we are, we tend to ignore them. Then that being so, why do you expect to find someone who is perfect while you yourself are not? That’s ironic, right?
This happens to first-time daters, who often have a long list of the qualities that their ideal partner should have. Unless you want to end up alone, you should better face this fact as soon as possible.
By the time you’re in your late 20s after exploring the dating scene, I’m sure you will come to terms with how naive you were. However, don’t accept glaring bad behaviour in the relationship just because of this.
Just use your common sense. I know we are not perfect. But it's also not an excuse for teaching or abuse.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO PUT IN THE WORK TO MAKE IT WORK
Relationships, like anything else, need to be nurtured. You have to put an effort into your relationship. You have to put in the time and attention. Neglect your relationship and it will all come crashing down later on.
Here is a screenshot from a Quoran who can help me drive this point home. The question asked here is: How do you put effort into your relationships?
As Kimberly states above, being open and communicating with your partner is key for your relationship. Resentments can build up over time over constant minor unaddressed problems.
Putting in the work means that you have to take time to resolve them. Note what your partner doesn’t like and stop doing it. Is there an aspect of them that you feel doesn’t sit right with you? Point it out and see how it can be resolved.
Putting in the work also means investing time in your relationship. Yes, I know that you might have a career to nurture. However, don’t immerse yourself in pursuing your career and neglect your relationship. You have to balance the two.
For married folks out there, don’t shy away from visiting a relationship coach if you feel you need an additional hand to stabilise your relationship.
SUMMING IT UP…
Dating is always filled with ups and downs. That’s normal. I’d say it's even expected. I’m sure these nine handy coaching tips should be helpful in your dating.
Do you consider yourself an amateur when it comes to dating? From a dating coach’s perspective, there is no need to worry. Take that from me. Just immerse yourself in the dating scene. Apply these tips and everything will be okay.
Josia Mutuma, Dating Coach
COMMENTS