Short term
Relationship coaching
This course is ongoing so you can join at any time.
Welcome Imperfect Coupl3's to Dating With A Purpose. I'm extremely excited you care about your relationship enough to seek out help to take it to a level I guarantee it has not seen. God said study to show thyself approved. God also said his people perish because of lack of knowledge. You're taking the step to show yourself approved for your future marriage by getting the knowledge to ensure it doesn't perish.
I want you to buy a three ring binder. You will use this binder for what we call “Imperfect Coupl3 Dating Bibles.†You will print out all your exercises with your answers and place them in your Dating Bible. At any time anyone has a lapse or forgets something, refer to your Dating Bible to see all that you've previously agreed to.
This Dating Bible will also serve as a guide for your children's future relationships because it will show them the pieces they need to have a successful relationship that turns into a healthy marriage.
Make it fun: Set up a date in your living room with a bottle or two of wine
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Today we will go over 12 Characteristics or ingredients essential to a healthy marriage. These are conversation starters intended to get your mind going and start thinking deeply about your future marriage.
Make it fun: Make it date at the beach or picnic in the park.
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These are principles that will take your communication to another level with each other. The first Principle is one that I find to be very essential in communication.
Make it fun: Practice this at home or some place where you won't be disturbed.
This is also a good time to order the book "The Missing Pieces To Winning At Marriage." It will give you tools to help you accomplish the rest of the modules
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There is nothing God did without Purpose. Here we break down What is Purpose and What is the Purpose of Marriage.
Make it intimate: After going over this, take time to pray together and ask God what is the purpose for your life and the marriage that you will have. Talk to each other about dreams you had when you were kids and the things you are naturally good at doing.
Before the next module take a look at these Communication Guidelines. We will use these guidelines to work through all of your communication modules.
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Over the next four weeks we will be going through the Communication Cycle
Skillful listening is essential to building a close, happy and healthy relationship. When you listen skillfully, giving your partner your full attention, it is greatly appreciated and valued.
We all want to be understood and known by those we are close with. This exercise will teach you the skills needed to connect emotionally with your partner and fulfill his or her needs to be understood and known. As well, the closeness built through skillful listening contributes to a healthy sexual relationship and a stable and long lasting marriage.
When you are a successful Listener and you connect with what your partner is saying, your partner will feel loved, respected and cared for. This connection is like giving your partner an emotional massage and builds emotional intimacy and trust.
Note: The person sharing an idea or feeling is the Speaker. The person working to understand the Speaker is the called the Listener.
Choose a topic that you really want to discuss with your partner
Make it fun: Cook a full dinner together and eat while you take on this exercise.
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When a person feels that they are being blamed—whether rightly or wrongly—it’s common that they respond with defensiveness.
“I†statements are a simple way of speaking that will help you avoid this trap by reducing feelings of blame. A good “I†statement takes responsibility for one’s own feelings, while tactfully describing a problem.
Choose something that has been bothering you to speak about. Remember the principle of physical touch. Hold hands when having this conversation.
Make it fun: Go on a date afterwards (ice cream, movies, dinner, concert, etc)
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In the previous exercise you learned "I" Statements. In this exercise we are going to put those statements to use in what we call Constructive Communication.
The following exercise will teach you the basics of healthy and effective communication. You need to practice it until it becomes second nature and becomes informally integrated in the way you and your partner speak with each other.
Words are the bridge between you and your partner. Your bridge needs to be healthy and strong in order to connect you and your partner properly and closely.
Practice this at least three times this week.
Make it fun: Always go on date after this to reprogram your mind on the fun things.
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Reflective listening is a powerful communication skill. By reflecting back to your partner what they said, you demonstrate to your partner that you heard more than the words they used – you show that you understand their thoughts and feelings and heard their point of view.
To merely say to your partner “I understand.†does not prove that you understand, reflective listening does. To be an effective reflective listener you must momentarily put aside your own point of view, put aside your own thoughts and feelings, let go of the concept of right and wrong, and listen with your heart. Reflective listening is far more than hearing the words and repeating them back to your partner; it is letting your partner know you understood their thoughts, feelings and related actions.
Reflective listening requires having the patience to wait your turn.
Make it fun: Practice this in a quiet environment then go on a simple but meaningful date
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Ironically enough good communication requires us to be able to "just listen". Often times for men it is quite difficult to do. It is difficult because God made men to solve problems. Sometimes ladies don't want problems solved, they just want to vent.
God knew the key to good healthy relationships when he said be quick to listen and slow to speak.
We both must be mindful to the human nature of why we were created and be understanding to each other. Now that we know men are naturally problem solvers, be understanding to that fact and let him know this is something you want him to just listen to.
Being that it is against his nature, he has to learn this behavior. That's why we have these tools.
Module 9 we we will be taking on two listening exercises
1.Good communication: Learn to Listen
Healthy relationships depend on healthy communication. Being an expert "listener" is the most important of all communication skills and for many individuals the most difficult to do.
2. Just Listen
Often when we talk, we don't feel understood!
Often when we listen, we wonder why our partner repeats or raises his or her voice!
The answer is always the same — the person talking is not listened to and the person listening does not hear. Learn how to fix this communication problem.
Read below "Just Listen" to your partner. Then take five or ten minutes to calmly talk about whatever you want. Take turns. Read "Just Listen" each time before you speak.
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In Module 10 we will talk about being "assertive" in your communication.
Assertive Communication: A communication style in which a
person stands up for their own needs and wants, while also taking
into consideration the needs and wants of others, without behaving
passively or aggressively. A lot of times someone in the relationship feels like they are not being heard and their needs are not being met. This exercise prepares you on how to handle that hot topic.
Before we learn how to be "assertive", which could lead to a little aggression, we'll talk about a few "Fair Fighting Rules"
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This may not seem possible to a young couple, but as the years go on this is a struggle each marriage faces. We are here to help you be proactive in the matter and avoid the pitfall before it happens.
Will you deliberately withhold romance and sexual intimacy from your partner? If so, you need to take a close look at your actions for two reasons.
1. You will be harming your relationship
2. You will be harming your partner
Whatever marital problem you were trying to solve or point you are trying to make, by withholding romance and sex and creating a sexless marriage the result will be — regardless of your intentions — destructive!
What does the bible say about the manner?
"Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a LIMITED time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of Self-Control." 1 Corinthians 7:5
We have to recognize the bible as truth. We have to recognize what it says withholding sex could do to our marriages.
Make it fun: Picnic in the park
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Sex in marriage is so important we had to touch on it twice. This time with steps to help you fix it.
Sex is a way we connect with each other and become one. There is never a time when your partner feels more connected and concern for you and your needs.
A couple's sex life is often a good measure of the overall health of their marriage. When sex stops, it means the marriage is in a tailspin. Sometimes it is the woman that withholds physical intimacy and sometimes it is the man or both. Regardless, a lack of romantic intimacy is the shortcut to relationship hell.
With a "sexless marriage" — there is no way for these two married individuals to be happy with their relationship. This may sound extreme, but clinical experienced marriage and family therapist’s has proven this to be true.Â
If your sex life needs improvement – get to work and make it right! The health of your marriage depends on mutual sexual attraction.
Again, what does the bible say about the manner?
"Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a LIMITED time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of Self-Control." 1 Corinthians 7:5
This module is not encouraging sex before marriage. It is simply here to prepare you to overcome this obstacle once you are married.
Make it fun: this module should be done in a public place to avoid temptations
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Understanding your partner necessitates knowing what are his or her emotional needs as well as your own emotional needs so you can then inform your partner about them.
When you understand what your partner's emotional needs are, and he or she yours, then it is possible to find positive ways to fulfill them. On the other hand, if there is a need, but it has not been identified or shared, it may then express itself in a negative way (with anger, rejection, moodiness, etc.).
see the homework at the bottom of the module to complete this
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Being married is a voluntary association. Thus, you and your partner must be assets in each other's lives — this mostly means simply you need to feel good in each other's company. Behaving with your partner in such a way that he or she feels "loved and cared for" is the best way to achieve this.
This is one of those exercises that you will want inside of your Relationship Bible
Make it fun: go on an intimate date where you can hold hands
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Catch Your Partner Doing “Something Right†– build positive feelings.
Sometimes we get in a pattern of noticing and even making lists of what we think our partner does "wrong." Doing so creates relationship tension, blinds us to the "good" our partner does and shapes a negative view with a corresponding feeling about our partner. In total, this can all be very harmful to your future marriage.
This exercise will help you establish a new pattern of awareness. It requires you to find the good in what your partner does – that is, you need to "catch" him or her doing something right.
Each day make a note of something your partner does that helps your relationship. Let your partner know that you appreciate what he or she did. Watch for times when you felt cared about, helped, or understood and try to identify specific things that led you to feel that way.
Record what you acknowledged and the response of your partner.
Print this exercise for ease of use and place inside of your Dating Bible. These are to be used when you are married as well.
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Fake It Until You Make It Acts of Love
Feelings often lead to action. Sometimes the opposite is also true. Try letting your positive actions lead to positive feelings. Behave in a loving way with your partner – even if you don't feel like it – and it is very possible that genuine loving feelings will quickly follow.
You may not be convinced that "faking it" makes sense. That is fine, just try it as an experiment for a week or two and see what happens. You might be surprised!
Think of yourself as a Hollywood actor or actress. You are a gifted entertainer and you can play the part perfectly. Your part in this movie is to behave with love and respect toward your spouse.
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A romantic relationship is a thriving relationship. Make sure your relationship — in addition to everything else — has a healthy dose of romantic activities. Let romance increase emotional intimacy.
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Preparing to Prevent Infidelity:
Social Guidelines
Establishing an agreed upon set of rules that govern relationships with the opposite sex is essential in preventing affairs. Proper guidelines to prevent affairs gives purpose. Having purpose makes you cognitive engaged and leads you to set goals, or guidelines in this instance which will create behavioral consistency in any environmental condition. “Steps 1-4 in the purpose diagram.†This creates a level of trust, understand, and clearly written boundaries.
(Purpose Diagram in Purpose of Marriage Module 4)
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Positive Marriage Steps in the Right Direction
The journey of a thousand miles starts not only with the first step, but this step must also be in the right direction.Â
Define your goals. Then – and only then – do you have a chance that you will arrive at the desired destination.
If you haven’t defined goals for your relationship and future marriage, this exercise will help you begin making the changes you are looking for and are needed to make a healthy relationship.
Think of what you don't like about your relationship and then state what positive behavior would replace those things you don't want.
Print this exercise for ease of use and place inside of your Dating Bible.
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Sexual intimacy is necessary if you are to have a healthy marriage. It's not enough to be "connected" in other areas of your lives and live in a sexually starved marriage. A sexless marriage can lead to infidelity, anger and resentment, and even divorce.
Again this exercise is not promoting sex before marriage. This is preparing you to overcome the obstacle before it arrives.
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Becoming one is essential to the well being of your entire family. Your unique connection with your future husband or wife should be clear to all.
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Secrecy Can Ruin Your RelationshipÂ
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Trust is an essential component in a healthy marriage. Secrecy destroys that trust! Secrecy destroys being one!
Becoming One as you worked in last module requires that we get rid of all secrets. Today lets commit to no more secrets.
This exercise gives you both an understanding of what you consider a secret.
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This week we are learning the purpose as it pertains to marriage. This week's homework assignment includes a bible reading plan from the Bible App. The reading plan is called “Prayers For Purpose in Marriage.†It is a 6 day reading plan. Each of you should read the plan together. You can download on your phones press start plan and choose read with friend. After each reading leave your thoughts on the reading. Let me know when you are finish with the reading each day and I will send you notes pertaining to that reading.
Link
http://bible.com/r/jj
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Now that you have the tools for your future marriage to thrive on. Let's set the expectations of your future family.
This is a very important key to marriage. Where there is no vision the people perish.
I have left some of my family’s information here for an example. Delete my information and insert your own information. Feel free to add or delete things to custom fit it to your family.
Once finish, print this separate and call it “last name†Family Vision. This will show where you are heading and let you know if you both want to go in that direction or not.
You may need additional exercises and coaching to help you find your purpose. Contact us to being that journey
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Specialize in helping imperfect couples communicate better and feel like they are on the same team.