Parent Coaching Strategies: A Checklist

The nurse laid this beautiful baby on my chest and told me to bond with him. He was perfect!

My first born son looked up at me as if to ask what now?

I really did not know the answer to this question, but I knew at that moment, I would figure it out. I had already read all of the baby books on what to expect as a new mother, but nothing could prepare me for the actual journey of raising a whole human being while maintaining my sanity.This might be a familiar feeling with you as well. I cannot be the only one who felt or feels this way. 

I am sure if I ask more seasoned parents, they would agree with my feelings of doubt.  However, this article is not about doubting my skills as a new mother. It is about raising healthy well adjusted kids.

I am sure we have all had that feeling that we are screwing up our children or maybe we are not doing enough for them. Well relax moms and dads. The mere fact that you care, shows that you are probably doing enough.

We are responsible for training our children in the way that they should go, so when they get older they can follow that roadmap.

But, just in case, I know how much our society loves rubrics and checklists. So below
is a checklist for you. If you are doing the following things, then you are setting your children up for success.

Remember, we are responsible for training our children in the way that they should go, so when they get older they can follow that roadmap. However, they are not robots, but humans, so we need to let them make their own choices. Once we do our part, they are responsible for the rest.

So here you are, a little something to make you feel better. A professor of mine in graduate school once said that knowing the list of expectations helps us to see the areas that we are already doing well in, and allows us to feel good about those accomplishments. Expectations are also helpful for us to see what we still need to work on.

So here is a list of things that you can do daily to make sure that you are raising a well adjusted little munchkin if you are like me and are worried.

CHECKLIST FOR RAISING KIDS IN A POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT

What I should be doing daily with my children to obtain a positive environment:

• Create a space where kids feel comfortable to share their ideas
• Quality time-spend some time doing something your child will enjoy
• Listen to your child 
• Talk with your child-ask them about their day 
• Eat a meal together everyday
• Be sure children are sharing in home responsibilities-chores make kids feel a part of the family
• Have consistent expectations
• Provide unconditional love
• Take interest in your child's life. Let them see your support.
• Provide stability-routines, routines, routines

If you are like me, you are constantly trying to find ways to become a better parent. I am going to tell you all those baby books helped me to be a confident mother when my children were smaller.Therefore, I continue to read and educate myself on effective parenting and child development.

I would encourage you to do the same. I will always have resources listed below. Feel free to browse through the references.

In my next article, I will discuss each of the components listed above in depth. If you would like to explore with me come back please. I do welcome your comments. Please share your stories and let's have a discussion.

If you are looking for a relationship coach to help you implement the expectations listed above, please reach out to me. I would be glad to help.

TABLE TALK: THE BEST TIME TO GET TO KNOW YOUR CHILDREN

When parents talk to their children, they are also showing that they love and respect them.

Ever wanted to know what your children are up to? Ask them! Kids are full of stories and they are waiting to share them with you.

It makes me smile when children share a story with me. I love watching their faces light up as they laugh in the middle of their story. I love hearing their rendition of the story and how they responded. Mostly, I love getting to know children through conversation. I used this strategy as a teacher and now as a mother of two. 

I am elated to hear my children tell me about their day, and they are just as eager to share it.

However, often times we are too busy rushing them off to school, getting dinner in the evening, finishing up that last email, stuck in traffic, or simply wiped out. Trust me I know how busy life can be. But finding time to slow down and talk to your children is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. 

The way parents respond to their children during these long, choppy stories will determine how their children will respond later… when they are teens.

When parents talk to their children, they are also showing that they love and respect them. Children need to feel like they are a part of the unit and that they are wanted. Usually young children have no problem with spilling the beans and telling their parents every little detail that happened to them during the day.

The way parents respond to their children during these long, choppy stories will determine how their children will respond later. And when I mean later, I mean when they are teens (awkward and confusing years). Children pay attention to how their parents respond. Are you listening? Do you care? Are you mad at me? Do you think that I am funny?

In other words, pay attention to your children as they are talking to you. You will learn a great deal about them.

Put down your cell phone and look at them when they are talking to you. You want them to feel like you care about their stories and want to listen to them.

If not, when they get older, they will stop sharing. Parents, you want your teens talking to you. This is a critical time in their lives as their bodies are changing, they are starting to view the world differently. You want to know how your children are thinking. You want to understand them.  

So when is a good time to carve out some time to talk to your children? There are plenty of ways to talk to your children. Sometimes we miss those opportunities being caught up in our own lives.  However, you can be intentional about finding time to genuinely listen to your children. 

My family usually uses dinner time to talk about our day. We are fully engrossed in each other's day for the moment and we even offer up advise if needed. This is a time where the television, radio, cell phones, and all distractions are off and we just sit in each other's presence, eating and talking.

This is our nightly routine, which was established as soon as my children were born. I will discuss the importance of establishing routines in a later post. Here are a few other ways to get to know your children through conversation.

• Instead of listening to the radio on the way home from soccer practice or church, listen to your children by sparking up a conversation-be sure to do more listening and less talking.
• Instead of eating in front of the TV (with the exception of movie night) eat dinner together at the dinner table and listen to your children. ( Do not be afraid to share your life as well, kids need to see this modeled. Just leave room for listening)
• Stand with your children on the bus stop and listen. (Refrain from heavy lectures during this time) 
• Tuck your children in at night and listen as they share that last story. 
• Tell them often how much you enjoy their stories.
• Ask them how that conflict was solved at school or on a playdate. 
• Take them on a date (Their favorite place not yours) and just talk or just listen.
• Carve out a special time right after school to talk about their day.

There are so many different ways to incorporate listening and talking with your children. Be creative! The most important factor is to keep your children talking to you so that they feel comfortable as they get older to come to you when they need to.

The worst thing in the world is to watch your child go through something and you have no idea how to help them because they will not talk to you. The secret is to get them talking at a young age, be genuine in your response, and let them know by your words and actions that you will be present, available, and supportive when they come to you. In short, any time is the best time to get to know your children.

Jenita Bonisa
Parenting Coach

Resources:

Early Childhood Development. Retrieved from  child.unl.edu

Positive Relationships for Families: How to Build Them. Retrieved from raisingchildren.net.au