Self trust is at the core of any healing work. Until we believe that we can trust ourselves to show up and do the things we said we were going to do, it’s going to be hard to get any self-work done.
Self-trust is a foundational piece of the attachment process.
We need to work towards that follow through and build ourselves into a person we look up to and trust.
What makes it difficult to trust ourselves?
Quick answer: it's whenever we make promises to ourselves that we don’t keep.
This scenario often happens when:
- There’s no follow through with plans; or
- When you always tell yourself that tomorrow is the day for change.
This is continuously breaking the trust of the part of you that is excited for your future.
Why do we do this?
We are using the idea of an exciting future to self regulate through a difficult moment.
We have to create an action plan to win our own self trust back. Let’s treat the relationship we have with ourselves as our inner child, the way we would treat our plans with others.
Sometimes we make plans with friends but on the day of the plan we don’t feel like showing up, but we do anyway because if we don’t those people would not want to build deeper relationships with us.
The same is true for ourselves; the more you refuse to bail on the plans you made for yourself, the more you will figure out what you actually want to show us for and what you don’t.
How to start building self trust
Make very small goals that you follow through on solely because you want to.
- Pick something small you can start doing everyday for the next 30 days that will help make your life better, and then follow through just for the purpose of practicing follow through.
- Even if there is a day where it doesn’t make sense to do it, or it seems annoying to do it, do it anyway.
- Don’t make it something you hate. Also, don’t make it something you know in advance you're going to feel extreme resistance too.
- Make it something very manageable. Every morning for 10 minutes, I will sit and have coffee with no phone on the porch.
- Meditate or exercise for one minute. Allow yourself to briefly reflect on your progress in reaching your goal. Treat it as one of your micro goals.
The purpose of this is not to make you happy, the purpose is to foster self-reliability and self- accountability.
The road blocks in building self trust
If half way through you come up with a better idea or half way through you hate what you chose, there is no going back. Finish your 30-day commitment and show yourself you can show up.
It is very difficult to trust yourself if you don’t understand why you are doing the things you do. When you start doubting yourself, try to self-reflect and unpack inside.
If you are in a situation where you feel overwhelmed, or having a rush of adrenaline, fear and anxiety, check your inner self. Find where that feeling is coming from. Make a plan for how to deal with it when it comes up.
For example, ask yourself, “When I am not thinking clearly what will I do?”
Here are some ways on how to perform a quick self-check to get back on track.
- Refer to your contingency plan.
- Learn to recognize in the moment when you're dysregulated or disassociating, or when you're tired or triggered.
- Recognizing that you're not at your best, prior to showing up to situations – will help you have acceptance for how you show up in that situation.
- If you're not feeling your normal level of productivity or friendliness, knowing that prior will help with adjusting your expectations for how you show up that day and protect your energy. It will also prepare you on how you will interact with others and accomplish what you need to do.
When we are in that state of stress or trigger, we enter into self-abandonment territory and it's hard to behave the way we hoped we would.
So, if you find yourself in a significantly different emotional state than you were when you made the plan, don’t rush to respond. Instead, ask yourself these questions.
- What's the best possible way to move through this situation without making things worse?
- Do I really want to agree with this person or situation, or does it go against my inner self?
- Do I feel disrespected? If so, how can I respond without going into attack mode?
- How can I stay aware and stand up for myself while being respectful to others as well as myself?
- How can I notice when I'm in a triggered state?
- What can I do to get myself out of this situation and come back to it when I am more regulated?
THIS PROCESS IS NOT SIMPLE, IT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME TO FOSTER.
BUT YOU WILL KNOW YOU WILL BE ABLE TO NAVIGATE ALL SITUATIONS BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN INHERENT TRUST IN YOURSELF.
It's difficult to trust yourself if you are not handling your relationships with others with honesty and integrity.
You’ll have that guilt and self-judgment which makes it hard to factor in your authentic wants and needs.
People who have trauma responses or insecure attachments are prone to over-promising like saying yes to things we don’t want to say yes to, and then bailing or ghosting our way out of. It makes us feel good the moment we say yes in front of another person. Much like getting a boost of confidence that this person likes me; but later when we bail not in front of the person’s face we are able to avoid the disappointment face to face.
You might be thinking, so how should we react during this situation? Here’s a remedy: for the next 30 days, commit to showing up for everything you say yes too. That’s right, try to practice committing to yourself first. Of course, if there’s a time when you can’t own up to it due to an extreme emergency, then it’s okay.
The reason behind this is to develop a sense of what it is you really do not want to do.
When you over promise and under deliver, guilt and anxiety overcome our decision making process leading to withdrawal of your boundaries and self abandonment of territory.
You will not trust yourself if you cannot trust yourself to say no when you mean no.
Where are your boundaries, where are your limits?
Can you enforce them?
The more we show up for the things we say we will, the more we learn what we do and do not like.
For people with enmeshment trauma or attachment wounding, setting boundaries is a huge challenge because of fear. Fear leads them to think, “If I'm clear on my boundaries, I will be abandoned”.
The opposite is true; the more you know what you can and cannot do, the more others begin to trust you. It is vital to learn to communicate your vulnerability in a compassionate way that others will respect. For example, you can say:
- “This is how I operate at my best – are you cool with that?”
- “I recognize my energy has been weird, and I feel you have recognized that too.”
Boundaries are things that help relationships work better, not worse.
Like a fence around a playground, you would feel more comfortable having your child play where there are boundaries of what is safe and what is not.
It is very difficult to consistently trust yourself if you are frequently zoned out or distracted from your present moment experience.
Adaptive response for many people, gives a false sense of safety and security.
Making wise and congruent decisions means being able to align the way you feel and what you want with the actions you take in the world.
Stay as present as possible with yourself as many moments as possible. This is a life time process.
The more we can be present, the more we can take congruent actions to align with who we are inside, allowing overall alignment of our thoughts to our decisions and actions.
Naturally and instinctively trust yourself by becoming present with yourself.
I love facilitating growth and watching people's walls come down. We are more powerful as we unify and less powerful when we diversify. When we are secure, confident and prosperous we meet people from a place of love instead of fear. Lowering anxiety, stress, and depression not just for you, but for all the people your life touches too.
Kaley Coyman
Life Coach
Habit and Exchange Expert & Spiritual Co.
Oviedo, Florida
Imagine a life free from the suffocating grip of chronic anxiety
- HCI Certified Life Coach - CCE, ICF
- HCI Certified Health Coach - CCE, ICF
- B.S. Psychology
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