Trust, Betrayal, Rebuilding Self... are these words that the world no longer knows the meaning of, and how can we change this in our own life?
What is trust in a relationship?
Can You Love Someone Before You Trust Them?
I have been contemplating this question a lot lately as I am a single, dating, over 40 year old woman who has been betrayed in a past relationship. This betrayal, though necessary for me to become the person I have become, was a huge blow to my model of the world and of my relationship.
When you are told over and over that infidelity would NEVER happen, that it happened to them and therefore they could NEVER do that to another human being, and then you are thrown right in the middle of infidelity, this is, in my opinion, the greatest test we can undergo as intimate relational beings.
A coaching exercise in core beliefs: what is trust in a relationship to you?
We all have core beliefs that guide our lives as well as values that shape our relationships and interactions with other people. Here are some questions to get to the root of those beliefs and get to the heart of what is trust in a relationship for you:
- Think about what is most important to you in your life.
- ​​Why is that thing—whether it be love, a boat, a job, a child, a spouse, a house or anything else—why is it so important to you?
- What is it that the object gives you?
- What would you say are your top 10 priorities?
- Take a few minutes to write them down, then prioritize them in order of importance.
- You can go down the list asking yourself is #1 more important than #2? Is #10 more important than #3 and so on until you have them in descending order of importance.
- Now think about what you have to believe in order for these to be your values.
- Can you appreciate that these beliefs will limit the amount of passion and interaction you allow into your life?
- If being able to trust someone before you let them in to your life is a value to you, then what has to happen for you to trust someone?
- When I ask, “What does it mean to love someone?”, what is your answer?
- Do you believe that trust is absolutely critical before you can love someone?
- What about your children? As they move through life, situations and circumstances could present themselves that cause you to lose trust in your child…does this mean that you no longer love them?
- What does someone have to do for you to stop loving them?
- What about unconditional love?
- If we say that we love someone, shouldn’t it be unconditional?
- After all, do we have rules for the love we have for our children or our pets? Then why would it be okay to have rules for our intimate love?
- And if you love them, is it easier to rebuild the trust after betrayal?
- Is this solely because you love them and want to forgive them or is it because you need to forgive them for another reason?
When I was smacked in the face with the infidelity that caused the end of my marriage, I contemplated these questions heavily. It was after much soul searching and quiet time by myself that I realized that I was going to forgive him for what he did because it was the only way that I got to be free again. By not forgiving him, it was like a huge weight that I had to carry around with me, and that wasn’t fair to me.
I also found that I had to forgive myself for the contributions I had made to the infidelity, and the way I allowed the betrayal to affect me and my life. This forgiveness was the first step toward rebuilding trust. I need to be able to trust myself or I will never allow myself to enter in to a loving committed relationship again.
I felt that if I was naïve enough to let it happen once, then what was to say I wouldn’t let it happen again? It took a few weeks of really working on this within myself, but I came through it and have now completely forgiven and opened my heart again. The walls are gone forever, and I am now working on building the most amazing relationship, and with all that I have learned and discovered over the past months, I know I will have love for a lifetime.
If you would like to learn more about building trust after betrayal or preventing betrayal before it happens, or just strengthening all of the relationships in your life, feel free to contact me. I honor you for giving yourself the gift of reading this and really using the information to bring more gratitude, abundance, and passion into your life!! :D
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