Since my early teens, I have known that I am a bumbling novice when it comes to dating.
Picture this: I managed to work up the nerve to ask out a smart, lanky Swedish girl who was my lab partner in my senior year of Biology. I took her out to a local hangout. The date was punctuated by awkward silences and weird posture adjustments. Eye contact was non-existent. At one point, I ended up spilling a full tray of milkshakes all over the table.
Needless to say, the only other time I would be looking at her again was from across a petri dish.
Things did not improve for me as I moved onto college. I migrated onto dating apps like my peers, only to have my overtures continually ignored. The few times any women responded to me, I ended up in the "friend" zone, where they would chat with me for hours, but never wanted to meet up in person.
I finally managed to snag one face to face date with someone I had been messaging for a while. She proceeded to talk to me for hours about her ex, showing me all his stuff and asking my advice about if she should call him on his birthay.
That was my tipping point. I decided i needed to improve my dating skills.... but how?
Then I thought of Mark. As long as I could remember, my friend Mark has had lots of women who wanted to be around him. He seems to exude some kind of magnetism in how he carries himself.
Being ghosted: that rarely happened to Mark.
Being able to sustain a woman’s interest well past the first date: that was Mark.
“How do you do it?” I asked. “You always seem to have girls in your life.” His answer: "I hired a dating coach."
My interest was piqued… A dating coach? Do I need someone to coach me on dating? I had just assumned everyone had to figure it out by themselves!
I thought about it for a while and then… I decided to take the plunge.
WHAT IS THE DISTINCTION BETWEEN DATING, RELATIONSHIP, AND BREAKUP COACHES?
Let’s back up. I’m not sure if you have heard about dating coaches, or if you have, you may wonder how they differ from other types of coaches focussed on what we all crave… love. Here is a brief rundown of what I discovered when I was starting out on thi
RELATIONSHIP COACHES
Relationship coaches generally deal with long-established couples, where the partners need guidance when facing turbulent times in their relationships.
Some of these relationship coaches help married folks. Many marriages face difficult ups and downs. Keeping their boats steady sometimes requires coaches to help them find commonalities and guidance on how to avoid hostilities in their marriages.
This is where a relationship coach comes in. Ever heard of married folks complaining that their marriages have deteriorated to the point where they need to see someone about it? This is what I am talking about.
Or you could be divorced and need some coaching on how to navigate the dating scene once again. There is also help for you!
DATING COACHES
Dating coaches are those whose primary aim is that of helping people navigate through the rough seas of today's dating environment. Are you shy, inexperienced, and awkward around women? This is the coach for you.
Dating coaches also help you gain master with today's perilous online dating scene. As a rookie, it is quite easy to give up too soon before you master the art of online dating. Coaching sessions with an online dating coach are all you need to get yourself on the winning track.
BREAKUP COACHES
Finally, here come the breakup coaches. I’ll bet on this: Unless you are really lucky, you will be heartbroken at least once while dating. Heartbreak is tough. Trust me, I’ve been there.
These coaches help you navigate how to handle your disappointment and they help you gain back your composure. Remember, heartbreaks are temporary. Everything fades away with time. These coaches can also help you end a relationship amicably without the usual name-calling and drama, in case you intend to end your relationship.
Some breakup coaches are focussed on helping you get your ex back. This is actually a growth area in coaching, with several coaches offering videos such as how to make your ex miss you, how to tell if your ex wants to come back and how to save your relationship.
Don’t worry about all the distinctions… Based on my experience, you will rarely find dating or relationship coaches who have a singular focus on their area of coaching. Most have a generalised skillset and are able to coach all kinds of clients.
Ok back to my story about hiring a dating coach…
WHY DID I FEEL I NEEDED A DATING COACH?
As I said, I’ve always thought of myself as a bumbling idiot when it came to dating (such a harsh criticism of myself). But seriously, I sucked.
Messing up that date with my lab partner haunted me for years to come... I wish I had known about dating coaches back then.
My whole mantra was self-experimentation. Trial and error. I know many of you reading this article are familiar with such an approach.
Then comes my friend, Mark. From the onset, I always wondered how he was so smooth when it came to meeting women, even online. And how he managed to avoid putting his foot in his mouth or acting super awkward when he took a girl out on a date.
What really pushed me over the edge and made me decide to hire a coach was when I witnessed Mark’s successes in dating. I was secretly jealous of it. I'd been ghosted A LOT. My experience with dating apps had sucked.
Picking up new, unfamiliar women in social encounters was a challenge. Looking back, I really thank myself for enrolling myself into coaching sessions.
HOW I FOUND A DATING COACH
So decision made, how did I find and hire a dating coach? Ever hear of guy talk? I asked Mark about his previous experiences with dating coaches. I was sceptical at first, but with time I became a "true believer."
I asked him for guidance on choosing a good dating coach. He directed me to a few websites where you can hire dating coaches. Basically, coaches list their profiles, and you can sift through until you find the right one. You can filter for dating coach for men, female dating coach etc.
Or, if you want, you can explain the challenges you are having, and use a coach matching service where dating coaches will reach out to you personally with how they can help.
He said I didn't even need to find a dating coach near me because dating coaching, like most "life" coaching, is done virtually. Like an online--Zoom/Skype--or phone type of thing. You just have conversations with your coach and then do homework in between. That appealed to me a ton because driving to and from appointments seems like such a time suck to me.
I did some analysis by reading over profiles and deciding which ones “spoke” to me. Did I feel like I could connect with the coach? Were they primarily a dating coach, or more of a relationship coach? I watched their video introductions. I checked over their reviews.
Then I set up a couple of free consultations. Most coaches will let you do this so you get a feel for working with them. I liked all three I talked to, but one of them really stood out. It just felt right, sort of like a first date ;)=
I hired Evans as my coach.
WHY DID I DECIDE TO HIRE THE DATING COACH I CHOSE?
A variety of factors weighed in on my selection. Evans explained in his free consultation how he worked with clients to help with their dating. He had a lot of experience helping clients, both online and offline. He had been doing it for quite a few years. We could do everything via phone or video (Zoom/Google meet), which made is super convenient. He was also flexible in terms of how often we would meet. I liked that.
Not to mention the multiple five-star reviews that he had received on his profile. Almost every single client that he had hired said that they would recommend him to other clients. That was pretty impressive!
He was not costly, but he was also not too cheap. He fit right into my price range. I think it’s not always the best idea to hire the cheapest option.. Ever heard of the expression that cheap is expensive? Quality always comes at a cost!
HOW I WAS "ONBOARDED" AS A COACHING CLIENT
My initial sessions with Evans were to familiarise him with what I was looking to accomplish, where my dating insecurities were, where I needed the most help. He asked me what my goals were by the completion of our coaching together.
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I told him I wanted to be better at approaching women.
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I wanted to feel more confident.
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I wanted to take rejection less hard.
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I wanted to learn tips and strategies for online dating.
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I wanted to stop falling into the trap of choosing the wrong person.
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I wanted to figure out how to identify dating red flags.
It's a little embarrassing to have to put yourself out there, dating scars and all. I told him ALL the issues and problems I have had over the years. Even though it makes you feel exposed, I would highly recommend that you always be fully open with your coach. That is the only way that they can help you move forward.
WHAT WERE THE DATING COACHING SESSIONS LIKE?
My typical coaching session with Evans was a minimum of 45 minutes and a maximum of an hour. Most of the sessions were via video (Google Meet or Zoom), but some on my phone. There were also lots of emails, and some other online stuff I did in between.
Before every coaching session, he’d get me to complete a coaching plan. This had me answer a few questions about what I wanted to accomplish that day. That kept us on track.
Then the actual session just turned out to be him asking me questions, and me coming up with the answers. Sure, every now and then he'd offer advice and strategies. But he got deep "buy in" from me by getting me to figure out exactly what would work for my own unique personality.
Surprise! Coaching sessions are not rigid. From my experience, they are pretty flexible. Evans had a collaborative approach to coaching. He was unbelievably understanding and encouraging.
This is a huge aspect that I think is really important when it comes to hiring a prospective dating coach. Throughout the coaching sessions, there were many times that I had doubts about my progress. Evans' encouragement kept me going.
I appreciated that Evans was helpful in guiding me on how to note my fears and the irrational thoughts that I had held over time regarding dating. Dismantling them was my first step towards progress. I did this primariy through some coaching journalling assignments he gave me.
He also assigned me (or get me to come up with) at least one "action item" each session. I had to go out and do something. Like swipe right on someone who might not be my type physically, but whose description caught my attention, or made me laugh. Or approach someone at a bar. Or go to a meetup group that I thought I might be interested in, and talk to at least 5 new people.
The coaching sessions were spread out over a 4-month period. My progress was assessed and he would make changes to our overall coaching plan based on how I was reaching the goals I had set for myself.
WHAT HIRING A DATING COACH COST ME
Most coaches charge per hour. In my case, this was no different. Evans' price was an 85-dollar charge per coaching session. But he offered discounts the more sessions I got. Sort of a “package deal" (which I guess is common in coaching).
I had a coaching session every week for the first 2 months. Then as I grew more confident, I switched to once every two weeks for the last 2 months. Instead of costing $1020, I got the whole thing for $765 with the package discount, and I was able to pay by installments.
That fit well within my price range and my financial situation at the time.
WHAT I GAINED FROM GOING TO SEE A DATING COACH
A LOT. The first improvement I noted was my surge of confidence when it came to picking up women in social encounters. Long gone were my awkward and amateurish days. That’s one huge step that I’m proud of.
The second area of progress was in online dating. I am now well versed in online dating apps. My coach was good at guiding me on how to use these apps to expand my dating pool.
Now, I know how to tune up my dating profile. I’ve learned how to select that killer profile photo. I also learned about what to put in my bio, including funny online dating pros and cons that will catch people’s attention.
Recently, I had a date. I went in with a surge of confidence, something that would have been impossible previously. Not to mention being able to keep the conversation flowing during the date! No more awkward silences, fidgeting, and weird posture readjustments during the date.
I now face dating situations head on. It is important to note that none of this progress was instantaneous. You have to put in the WORK. The ball is never in your coach’s court. The ball is squarely in yours.
Follow every piece of advice that you are given by your coach. When they give you challenges, you need to try to follow through on them. You are never going to magically become better with women if you never actively go out and meet them. You need to take on your action items every week--they are sort of like the building blocks of your bigger goals.
You also need to be prepared for your coaching sessions. Complete that coaching plan! Think about the last week, how you succeeded, what your challenges were. It will help you with your session and with getting to your goals faster.
Finally, you have to be able to face your irrational fears in order to dismantle that invisible wall that you have built for yourself in your head. It’s never easy. However, wallowing in your inadequacies while sitting in your chair with your hand on your chin is not pleasant either!
WHAT ARE THE PEOPLE ON REDDIT SAYING ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCE WITH DATING COACHES?
For that yet unconvinced reader, I thought it would be interesting to hear experiences of people who’ve hired dating coaches, so I checked out good old Reddit.
QUESTION: HAS ANYONE EVER HIRED A DATING COACH?
Here is post is from a Redditor inquiring whether anyone has ever hired a dating coach. They were worried it was a "snake oil" type of profession. Also they had tried therapy and it hadn't worked at all.
One Redditor in response said she hired a dating coach who was recommended by someone from another dating forum. She said she had also tried therapy but the therapist, although good at divorce grief, had "no clue" when it came to dating advice. The coach on the other hand helped her with her ability to "freak out" when dating. The dating coach gave her concrete, in the moment advice with online dating situations, even getting her to send Tinder screenshots to help her plan a response. She even met her significant other that way!
Another redditor gives a mixed response, suggesting that it works only for a certain group of people. "Saving this thread for later, but I think it works for a certain group of people...." I’m not sure if that is the case. I believe that hiring a dating coach can work for anyone. You just need to trust the process and put in the work.
Also, for what it's worth, from my experience, coaching is totally different from therapy. I was in charge of coming up with my actions and doing all the work! My coach treated me as an equal which as super cool, not a patient.
ARE DATING COACHES WORTH IT?
If you had asked me this question before my coaching experience, and I'd probably have been sceptical of the idea of dating coaching. Ask me the same now and my response will be totally different.
If you have ever doubted whether or not dating coaching sessions are worth it, here’s an answer from the horse’s mouth: Yes, it’s worth it!
No one is immune to facing challenges. We all have our own unique inadequacies. Everyone needs a helping hand once in a while. This is especially true when it comes to dating, and this is where dating coaches come into play.
If you find it worthwhile, spend some money on a dating coach and you will streamline your dating game. And in today’s competitive environment, who’s not ready for that?
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